Archive for 2005
December 28th 2005
I stayed up to about six this morning working on a new layout. Then I went to sleep. And now I’m watching Judging Amy, after having slept for about five hours.
This show is one of my favorites. I’m not even sure what it has that gets me, but I’ve teared up and even cried a few times. I cried a little today when this thirteen year-old killed her best friend (car accident)…it was sad.
I always try to be less emotional because I hate sappy people. Well, it just annoys me. They’re not strong. And I want to be strong and independent. But I’m romantic and sappy. I think I’m going to stop trying to pretend those emotions aren’t there. I also think I have a good motherly instinct, which I always used to suppress. But I have decided to quit pretending that I’m tougher than I really am.
‘Cause what’s the point? I hate being fake, especially because it takes so much work. But I’ve done that quite a lot. So now I’m going to try and stop.
I miss Don. He’ll be back in a couple days. And all this love stuff on the tv show, really makes me miss him more. There’s also some baby stuff on the show, and it really makes me want a baby.
So what the hell happened to me? I never used to be like this.
December 28th 2005
Okay, so Annie told me to post. And I’m going to. This is my first post since November 9th. That’s like a month and a half. So what’s happened in that time?
Uh, NOTHING of interest. At all. Period. The end. How boring. :sneer:
Let’s start with school. Well, so I got expelled. I don’t remember if I mentioned this or not. But I did. Then they unexpelled me. And I went to this discipline school for the last six weeks. I’m not even sure why, but whatever. So I go back to my regular school on the 3rd.
And on the 2nd of January, I get my braces off! :up: That’s super. I’ve only had them a year and nine-ish months. Or eight-ish. Whatever. It’s been long enough, methinks.
Whoa, I totally got distracted for like ten minutes. I went to Kawaii MB, looked around, posted once, and talked to Annie a bit. Fun stuff.
So as for my real life…there’s Don. We are great. <3 I absolutely love him and things are going wonderfully. It’s been almost four months now. He’s hunting right now. I spent all of last week with him, which was great. Since he lives an hour away, sometimes I go a few weeks without seeing him (okay, twice we did that) and it makes me kinda sad. I get to spend New Years with him, though. 
I quit talking to Michael. The ex who is a complete dickface. Pardon my English. (’cause it’s not French) But my mom was getting on my case for talking to him and even though Don didn’t tell me it was seriously bothering him, I knew it was and I didn’t want to put our relationship in danger. So I told him to quit calling and guess what he did? Called me. Like 978324 times. In a day. Left messages, came by my window. Annoying as a mother. Don offered to switch me cell phones and we did and Michael stopped calling when Don kept answering. Then he didn’t call for like a week, then started up again. But thankfully, he’s done. I think.
But when I go back to regular school, I might have to see him. I’m a little worried about that since Don isn’t there with me. If I need to, I can make sure I always have someone with me. And I’ll have a couple of my guy friends helping to make him keep his distance.
I AM SO GLAD TO HAVE HIM OUT OF MY LIFE! Woo! It feels great.
And I miss Don.
So how’s this for a welcome-back post? Good, I hope. :upsidedown:
November 9th 2005
I know I haven’t written in awhile, but I don’t really feel like it. Nothing exciting is going on and I don’t spend a whole lot of time online anyway.
So there.
October 28th 2005
Do you know what I don’t understand? Why I care so much about the girl Don was with before me. I added her as a friend on myspace so I could keep up with her bulletins and see if she ever mentions him. They broke up long before we went out, but their relationship was serious. I’m not sure why I care so much about what she did or what she’s doing now. But it’s annoying the hell out of me. I wish I could just be completely comfortable and not feel the need to wonder. I’m not sure whether I’m actually jealous or not, or if I just wanna keep tabs on her to make sure she’s not still talking to my Don.
I find myself thinking about him a lot. A whole lot. My mind tends to wander from subject to subject (that’s the ADD kicking in) and somehow I always end up on him. And then I’m smiling and happy, thinking about when we’re together.
Michael called me last night while I was on the phone with Don. I accidently rejected the call, but I had to know what he wanted, so I called him back and asked. He said he was in Arizona for baseball and wanted to talk. I am proud of myself for saying that I was talking to Don and not do the incredibly bitchy thing and hang up with Don to talk to an ex. Especially an ex who’s been playing mind games with me for two years. And I told him I’d call him back later, and I didn’t. So I’m glad for that.
What I’m not glad for is the fact that I still care about him and still want to talk to him sometimes. I wish I could just tell him to leave me alone. I don’t need to mess things up with Don. Not for someone who is not worth my time or energy. God, I hope I don’t fuck anything up with him. He’s just so amazing and I can see this working. Oh please, let this work. Let me be happy.
October 26th 2005
I took this little quiz thing that lots of people on myspace have on their profiles. It’s the Key to Your Heart one. These are my results. And my commentary about how this quiz is bullshit.
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
Wrong. That’s me. I am attracted to those who are stable, predictable, and reliable.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you’re told that you’re loved.
I’m not sure about the most-alive part, but I do feel most secure. If I’m always told how wonderful I am, it’s hard to doubt it. I feel the most alive when things are crazy and I’m doing stuff I’m not supposed to…like going 150 mph on a backroad with 90 degree turns.
You’d like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful… that you’ll never change.
I’d like them to think that I suppose, but I’m not so much. I will change, if it’s not something too huge. And it’s not something that I really like about myself. I will most definitely change negative behaviors or quirks that I find myself annoyed with anyway. And I’m kinda loyal and kinda faithful, but sometimes I won’t be.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Well, I dated Michael for a long time. He was all three.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything… no secrets.
Makes things easier, and I have that for the most part with Don. There’s still some things I haven’t told him, and probably won’t ever, but other than that, we’re pretty open. I suppose this one’s true.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
Big fat NO. I’ve cheated before, and I don’t give a shit about society or morality. I’ve broken plenty of commitments.
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.
I’m not afraid of marriage. I want to get married someday; it’ll confirm the fact that I’m lovable and not an inadequate loser.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.
You can still be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. It happens all the time. A relationship is a commitment that needs two devoted parties. I love this kid who will never feel the same about me (not Don, so don’t worry ’bout that) and it’s still love.
So as you can see, me picking animals in situations doesn’t tell the keys to my heart. All it says is my animal preference. That I like horses over snakes and pidgeons, or lions over crocodiles and sharks. Duh.
