March 25th 2005
Nathan and I are technically dating. Why? Because I asked him. Sort of. I called him and wondered if he would like to go out, but not a real relationship. We are boyfriend/girlfriend, but it is sans-emotions. It’s physical. I haven’t seen him though. And this was two days ago. I’ve talked to him a little bit and he’s supposed to come to this party thing I’m having tonight. We’ll see.
Also, I’m still talking to Michael. He stands by his wanting to be with me. But he didn’t break up with his girlfriend. Who tried to commit suicide last week. I don’t know whether he’ll actually break it off with her…if not, that just means I know him really well. I don’t think he’s going to. I’m not sure what’s going through his mind, but I’d really like to know.
Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can trust anything he says. He has lied about so much that I can’t trust him at all. It’s to the point where I don’t know if I could even believe him if he says his hair is black. Which it is.
I’m trying so hard not to care about him. It’s hard, but I think it’s working.
We talked for two hours last night and he knows I’m dating Nathan. He said some bad things about him, but that’s not very surprising. In fact, it’s somewhat expected. Michael’s jealous. Which makes me happy actually. It means he cares.
I’m just so conflicted. And it sucks balls.
March 20th 2005
My ex-boyfriend says he wants me back. I’m not completely sure how to take it because we’ve been through a lot and I really care about him. I am still not over him and it’s been a long time. He also betrayed me, which is why I don’t know what to do about it. I still very much want to be with him, but I don’t know if I should let myself. I kind of want to just tell him no. I am trying to get stronger and I think I have already.
There’s also this guy Nathan. We almost hooked up the other night, but our fun was cut short. He’s been calling me and I wonder where this is going to lead. I’d like to see, but I don’t know if he wants an actual relationship. A problem with this is he likes my best friend. Actually, I don’t really care about that. I don’t know if I actually like him or just think he’s hot. I don’t really know him, but he is very cute.
I’m conflicted on who I want. Michael knows me very well and we have great chemistry, but I can’t trust him. I know what he’s done and could never place my trust in him again. Relationships don’t work out if there’s no trust. Nathan is a new adventure, something that could work out. But Michael is my safety, in a way. I know he likes me, maybe not always as a girlfriend, but at least he can’t resist me. I need to know that about people because I’m actually very insecure. I try to cover it up, but unfortunately inside, I desperately seek approval and affection.
That is one reason I’ve never been able to get over Michael. But I’m working my way there and hopefully I can make that decision and be happy with it.
I don’t want to live a life filled with regrets, but even now, as a sixteen year-old, I have plenty. The what-ifs fill my mind. I might’ve been happier if…there’s just so many of them.
And I know that all of this isn’t going to mean a thing in a few years. What mattered to me most a few years ago doesn’t matter to me now. It’s all a matter of time. And I leave you with this: (I think I got it from Cézanne, but I could be wrong.)
I think the strangest part of life is the day that you wake up and all of a sudden the things that were once so important to you no longer mean a thing.
