tehsheriff.org

Things That Matter?

My ex-boyfriend says he wants me back. I’m not completely sure how to take it because we’ve been through a lot and I really care about him. I am still not over him and it’s been a long time. He also betrayed me, which is why I don’t know what to do about it. I still very much want to be with him, but I don’t know if I should let myself. I kind of want to just tell him no. I am trying to get stronger and I think I have already.

There’s also this guy Nathan. We almost hooked up the other night, but our fun was cut short. He’s been calling me and I wonder where this is going to lead. I’d like to see, but I don’t know if he wants an actual relationship. A problem with this is he likes my best friend. Actually, I don’t really care about that. I don’t know if I actually like him or just think he’s hot. I don’t really know him, but he is very cute.

I’m conflicted on who I want. Michael knows me very well and we have great chemistry, but I can’t trust him. I know what he’s done and could never place my trust in him again. Relationships don’t work out if there’s no trust. Nathan is a new adventure, something that could work out. But Michael is my safety, in a way. I know he likes me, maybe not always as a girlfriend, but at least he can’t resist me. I need to know that about people because I’m actually very insecure. I try to cover it up, but unfortunately inside, I desperately seek approval and affection.

That is one reason I’ve never been able to get over Michael. But I’m working my way there and hopefully I can make that decision and be happy with it.

I don’t want to live a life filled with regrets, but even now, as a sixteen year-old, I have plenty. The what-ifs fill my mind. I might’ve been happier if…there’s just so many of them.

And I know that all of this isn’t going to mean a thing in a few years. What mattered to me most a few years ago doesn’t matter to me now. It’s all a matter of time. And I leave you with this: (I think I got it from Cézanne, but I could be wrong.)

I think the strangest part of life is the day that you wake up and all of a sudden the things that were once so important to you no longer mean a thing.