Funny Quotes
A conclusion is simply the place you got tired of thinking.
Assassins do it from behind.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Dogs believe they’re human. Cats believe they are God.
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Especially when it rains.
E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross mispelling of the word ‘farm’.
Eat a live toad this morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Even if you are paranoid, they’re still after you.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed me a lot of money.
I just got lost in thought…it was unfamiliar territory.
I like cats too…let’s exchange recipes.
I ran into my ex-boyfriend today…then I threw it in reverse and ran into him again.
I’m allergic to alcohol and narcotics - I break out in handcuffs.
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I’m not weird…I’m gifted.
I’m serious. It was a joke.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, probably because of something you did.
If at first you don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
It’s not that I don’t want to clean my room, it’s just that I have this theory that everything is balanced just right and if I attempt to move something, the whole structure of the house will come down like a house of cards.
It’s only fun if you can get in trouble.
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought: ‘Where the hell is the ceiling?’
Life is like an onion: you peel it layer after layer till you find there is nothing in it.
Life is miserable without you…it’s almost like you’re still here.
Life needs an undo button.
Love your enemies…it really pisses them off.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a ’son of a bitch’.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
PAPERCLIPS: The larval stage of coat hangers.
People were uglier then, but they made better music.
Reality is a big, nasty vicous dragon, but I don’t believe in dragons.
Sign at Knoxville Zoo: Please be safe. Do not site, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick.
Sign in a coffee shop: All unattended children will be given two shots of espresso and a free puppy.
Someday is not a day of the week.
TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can’t hear mine…
The cigarettes do the smoking, you’re just the sucker.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they are when you kill them.
This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.
This isn’t Burger King…you can’t have it your way.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
What happened to the first 6 ups?
Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
You can never successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
